NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no!
On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE 0.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or
even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time
the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the
great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300
years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from “Run” to “Hide“. The only two higher levels in France
are “Collaborate” and “Surrender“. The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French
who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly”
to “Elaborate Military Posturing“. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective
Combat Operations” and “Change Sides“.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful
Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs“. They also
have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose“.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case.

Meanwhile…

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to
“BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Australia will come and
rescue us“. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to
gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries”
to “She’ll be right, mate“. Three more escalation levels remain,
“Crikey!‘, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and
“The Barbie is cancelled“. So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.

via humor

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqi0DwNLJdM

Putin:
- Doamne, cand va deveni Rusia cea mai mare putere din lume?
Dumnezeu isi trimite ingerii sa calculeze…raspuns de la Dumnezeu:
- Nu in mandatul tau!

Basescu:
- Doamne, cand se va termina coruptia din Romania?
Dumnezeu isi trimite ingerii sa calculeze….trece ceva timp….mai trimite
alta echipa de ingeri in ajutor si alta echipa…nimic… Raspunsul de la Dumnezeu:
- Nu in mandatul meu !!!