It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”