Cine se trezeşte de dimineaţă râde mai bine

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Chuck Norris revine

Chuck Norris once beat a wall in a game of tennis
The universe is expanding because matter is trying to get further away from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”

Australian Kiss

1. Virginity can be cured.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity is not dignity; its lack of opportunity.
9. Having sex is like playing bridge; if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
10. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.
11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
12. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember what I chose.
13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing……
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

Proverbe adaptate

– Proverb marinaresc: “Iubeste-ti copilul ca si cum ar fi al tau”
– Fie painea cit de rea, tot ti-o fura cineva.
– Omul intelept isi face vara sanie si iarna o pune pe foc.
– Cine se scoala de dimineata doarme mai putin.
– In viata sunt doua cuvinte care deschid multe usi: “trage” si “impinge”.
– Ca romanu’ nu-i nici unu’, unde-s multi putea fi unu’!!
– Cine ne viziteza ne face onoare, cine nu, placere.
– Ne nastem goi, uzi si flaminzi. De abia dupa aceea lucrurile se inrautatesc.
– Cum iti asterni, cum vine altul si se culca in locul tau.
– Nicio fapta buna nu scapa nepedepsita!
– Cine-i harnic si munceste, ori e prost, ori nu gandeste.
– Cine rade la urma rade mai bine. Dar cine rade primul a prins gluma.
– Uita-ti intotdeauna dusmanii. Nimic nu-i enerveaza mai mult.
– Sesiunea trece, studentii raman.
– Cine sapa groapa altuia, face muschi.
– Cine se culca odata cu gainile, se culca si a doua oara.
– De ce sa bei si sa conduci… cand poti sa fumezi si sa zbori!

Bancul cu vameşii

Vechi, dar întotdeauna actual:

Un vames isi aduna toti colegii ca sa le dea vestea:
– Azi e ziua de nastere a sefului!
– Fratiilor ar trebui sa ii cumparam ceva cadou! Dar ce?
Dupa vreo 5 minute de gandire raspunse unul dintre ei:
– Putem sa ii cumparam un concediu in Barbados!
– Nu se face, e prea putin!
– Atunci hai sa ii cumparam un Mercedes!
– Nu se poate, asa putin!…
– Hai sa ii cumparam o vila la mare!
– Nu se poate, asa putin, tu nu intelegi, e ziua lui de nastere, face 50 de ani, numar rotund!
La care un coleg din spate:
– Hai sa punem toti banii pe care ii primim pe tura de azi si sa-i dam lui.
Auzind asta, toti se rastesc la el:
– Esti nebun… asa mult!