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Jurnalul candidatului care a pierdut alegerile

Ora 21. Am castigaaaaaat. L-am invins pe Basescu cu 52-48, frate o sa-l trimit la taiat de stuf in Delta, la Vantu voi reforma Romania voi anula toate taxele si inpozitele care ma incurca de cate ori trebuie sa ies la televizor sa vorbesc oamenilor care m-au votat si carora le multumesc asta e victoria lui Crin si a lui Hrebengiuc desi e victoria mea sunt fericit va pup si ne vedem la nationalizare !
Ora 21.30. Am castigat ! L-am invins pe marinar poate nu chiar cu 52-48, dar sigur cu 51-49. O sa-l trimit la taiat stuff in Delta sa se invete minte, da` o sa il tratez cu respect si o sa`l dezleg doua ore pe zi. Am vrut sa cobor taxele si impozitele, da` nu am cum, ca m`au sunat de la FMI si mi`au spus ca nu`i voie si ca imi trag una peste degete daca ma prind ca umblu la fiscalitate. Ei, important e sa`i umilesc pe nenorocitii de pedelisti. Le mai multumesc odata lui Crin si lui ceilalti pentru victoria mea
Ora 22.00. Bai tata, sunt convins ca am castigat, fie chiar si la mustata. 50,1 la suta sa iau eu, restul nu ma intereseaza. Chioru naibii se lauda cum ca…Fereasca Dumnezeu ! N-o sa`l trimit chiar la stuf, da`l naibii de marinar, da` cat pot, il fac sa se simta mic in fata mea. O sa ii ofer la misto un post de directoras in Ministerul Transporturilor, la biroul unde se vor primi dosarele pentru licitatiile pe care le vor castiga oamenii mei. Cat despre impozite, baietii de la FMI au strgat « Caca ! Nu te apropia de taxe ». Cand le-am spus ca ma gandesc sa le cresc, au zambit si m-au poftit sa le arat calculele. Sa nu uit sa ii trimit un mesaj lui Crin in care sa ii spun cateva cuvinte de multumire.

Citeşte continuarea

Nelson la Trafalgar, 2009

204 ani mai tarziu, langa Capul Trafalgar (Spania)

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, this isn’t what I dictated to Flags. What’s the
meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledygook is this for God’s sake?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting “ England ” past the
censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it full
speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water.”
Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s
nest, please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness;
and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let
anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want
anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your
Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on
corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”
Nelson: “In that case… kiss me, Hardy.”

via humor

Ştii că trăieşti în 2009 atunci când…

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You’re reading
this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list