Cine se trezeşte de dimineaţă râde mai bine
Nicusor, pustiul familiei Popescu, de 6 anisori, vine iute la mama lui.
– Mami, mami, ştii vasul acela chinezesc pe care voi il aveti de trei generatii?
– Da puisor, vine raspunsul mamei.
– Ei, bine, generatia mea l-a spart!
1. Do not cheat on a girl. We girls talk, we WILL know, and we WILL find out, and we WILL dump you!
2. Be aware of all your girlfriends’ guy friends, brothers, fathers, or anything. They are protective. Every single male friend we have will kick your ass if you end up hurting her.
3. Never ever miss an opportunity to tell her that she’s beautiful. We girls love that.
4. If she slapped you hard, you probably deserved it.
5. Do not be afraid of holding her. If she’s going out with you in the first place, it’s obvious that she likes you and wants to be in your arms.
6. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend — a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts or hoodie’s, and a really pretty piece of jewelry.
7. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely. We think that’s really cute and sweet.
8. If a guy is bothering your girlfriend, it is your right to beat the sh!t out of him.
9. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. It’ll make her feel secure that you love her more than the other girl.
10. Never ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you’re so dumb” or something, never make any gestures back.
11. Go along with her to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn’t care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went with her.
12. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. Or else.
13. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle. Let her win once in a while.
14. Memorize your girlfriend’s birthday. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life. Not gonna lie.
15. Don’t drench yourself in the cologne, but smell good.
16. You don’t have to spend a million dollars on the Birthday/Christmas/Valentine gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive, or cost anything but it has to be meaningful.
17. Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out.
18. Don’t say you understand when you don’t. That’s bad.
19. Remember: Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!
20. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; but doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
21. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want relationships.
22. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe. Don’t bother trying to convince us otherwise, that is a bad idea
23. It’s good to be sensitive, to a point.
24. If you did something wrong, apologize. Even if you didn’t, do it anyway.
Restul: 102 lucruri pe care baietii ar trebui sa le stie despre fete.
Papa, Berlusconi si Bush zburau cu avionul. Avionul are o defectiune grava si pilotul ii anunta cum stau lucrurile dar ca partea cea mai proasta e ca sunt numai trei parasute. Bush:
– Eu sunt cel mai puternic om din lume asa ca e logic sa ma salvez! Smulge cu forta o parasuta si sare.
Berlusconi:
– Eu sunt cel mai destept om de pe planeta! E numai drept sa mai traiesc. Smulge si el o parasuta si sare.
Papa catre pilot:
– Fiule, eu ma am pe bune cu Cel de Sus si poate ca o sa faca o minune pentru mine, iar daca nu o face oricum ajung in rai. Asa ca ia tu parasuta care a mai ramas!
– Nu e nevoie de asta Sfintia-Voastra, avem inca doua parasute fiindca cel mai destept om din lume a sarit cu rucsacul meu!
Sexul la 90 de ani este ca si cand ai juca biliard cu o funie.
George Burns
De ce ar trebui sa primim sfaturi despre sex de la Papa ? Daca stie ceva despre sex, nu ar trebui sa stie!
George Bernard Shaw
Potrivit unor cercetari recente, femeile spun ca se simt mai comfortabil daca se dezbraca in fata unui barbat, decat daca ar face-o in fata unei femei. Aceasta din cauza ca femeile sunt foarte critice, in timp ce barbatii sunt doar recunoscatori.
Robert DeNiro
Se zice ca ar fi aparut un nou scandal in lumea medicala. Doctorii semnaleaza faptul ca barbatii au reactii alergice la prezervativele din latex. Acestea provoaca umflarea puternica a penisului. Si, care-i problema?
Dustin Hoffman
Exista cateva dispozitive care cresc dorinta sexuala, in special la femei. Cel mai important dintre acestea este Mercedes-Benz 500 SL.
Lynn Lavner
Bigamia inseamna sa ai o nevasta in plus. Monogamia e acelasi lucru.
Oscar Wilde
Cand am ajuns in America, nu stiam sa vorbesc engleza, dar viata mea sexuala era perfecta. Acum, engleza mea e perfecta, dar viata mea sexuala e groaznica.
Julio Iglesias
Iubirea este raspunsul, dar in timp ce astepti raspunsul, sexul ridica niste intrebari bunicele…
Woody Allen
Ultima data cand am fost inauntrul unei femei a fost cand am vizitat Statuia Libertatii.
Woody Allen
Sunt un amant atat de bun, pentru ca exersez foarte mult singur.
Woody Allen
Sexul si golful sunt singurele doua lucruri de care te poti bucura fara sa te pricepi la ele.
Kevin Costner – Tin Cup
Bisexualitatea dubleaza automat sansele de a avea o intalnire sambata noaptea.
Rodney Dangerfield
Este mai bine sa nu fii fidel, decat sa fii fidel fara sa ti-o doresti.
Brigitte Bardot
Il iubesc mai mult pe Mickey Mouse decat pe orice femeie pe care am cunoscut-o.
Walt Disney
Personal, nu stiu nimic despre sex, deoarece am fost maritata tot timpul.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marea diferenta dintre sexul platit si sexul gratis este ca sexul platit costa mai putin.
Brendan Francis
Un tip se duce la doctor:
– Nu stiu, doctore, ce am: ma doare ficatul, spatele, inima.
Ii face doctorul analizele si ii spune:
– Imi pare foarte rau, dar ai cancer. Cazuri similare ca al dvs au mai trait intre 3 si 6 luni.
Pleaca tipul suparat si se intalneste cu un prieten la metrou. Ii spune de vizita la doctor, ca este bolnav de SIDA si ca o sa moara in 3 luni. Prietenul pleaca repede uitand sa dea mana cu el.
In statia de autobuz se intalneste cu altul si aceeasi reactie.
Dupa un timp, ii ajunge si doctorului la ureche povestea.
– Bine, dom’le, eu ti-am zis ca ai cancer. De ce zici la toate lumea ca vei muri de SIDA?
– Pai e simplu. Dupa ce mor, nu vreau sa se atinga nimeni de nevasta-mea…